I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
vagina is talking i cant
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
