Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
whose parrot is this?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
