I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
