there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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