OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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