babies were throwing up all over the place
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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