The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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