He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
