Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
