How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
