dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
