This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
