I can text with my tongue
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
