I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
