you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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