All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
