Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
