So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
