Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
