Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Four minutes until I can fart!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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