Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
