Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
