This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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