I think im going to throw up on grandma
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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