Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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