My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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