I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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