Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
