guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think my moral compass just broke
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
