I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
