my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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