He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
