Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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