she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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