Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
