OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
