I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
