The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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