does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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