Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just cropdusted the office
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
