Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
