when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
