I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
