Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
