I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
