Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
