thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
