My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
