I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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