yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
